"SO sorry Kia I have tooken your life away but it was your time".
"Who are you?" "Well the angel of high Casttello". "My name is Beth Im so sorry I did'nt mean to take you but it was your time Kia".
soon the angel dissapered I closed my eyes for it was no dream for a real dream would be truley be fake this was no dream for that I could only wish. My chest filled up again I was dead and will could not see me I had to sent him a message hopefully he would get it. But I was'nt completly sure he did 'nt kill me but he would'nt I knew him.The ring he had given me it was on the floor the church was burnt so they could not do an ottopsiy nobody cared I was dead and that was that my wedding dress was long and sleveless and stapless.But what conted was my love for will and who ever did this would some how pay!!!!!!
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,786 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this was a pretty well done little piece here except for that last part which was a little confusing to read. Overall though we get a decent idea of the emotion that our main character here is expressing and this seems to be a pretty sad little story about this woman that died perhaps on her wedding day.
Anyway let's get right to it,
That should be taken
That should be didn't and also you need to be starting a new paragraph for each of these lines because they are being said by different people.
Okay so this is that part I said was somewhat confusing. It's sounds a little bit like a rambling monologue or something along those lines and there's also a ton of typos in this one. Those words should be:
disappeared
truly
wasn't
completely
didn't
wouldn't
autopsy
sleeveless
strapless
counted
Will
Okay so some suggestions would be to reduce the amount of thoughts that she is having and describe some of these parts like the church a bit more so that you can space out these thoughts and make them a little easier to understand.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: So overall this was a pretty well done story. It seems to have a slightly mixed message of sadness and maybe just a bit of mystery there at the very end. And overall it's a nice little piece.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi there! I see we meet again! Nice to see you're using some more punctuation in this one and some more formatting. Kudos! Still, you might want to think about fleshing this out some more - I still dont really know what is happening, who it's happening to, where we are, when we are, and so on. I mean, I *know*, but what's happening here is the reader (i.e. me) has to play detective and piece together your (sorry) ramblings to make a story in their own head, and figure it out that way.
And this isnt good. Next thing you know they'll be off writing their own story instead of reading yours! What you want to do is guide the reader through your own vision of the story. So, to do this you need structure. **nods** Uh huh. Right now, this is kind of like something which just happened to occur during speed-writing and it hasnt been edited properly. If I were you, I'd write out a summary of the plot, and then try and work out what happens when and where and to whom, and then you can write in a more orderly way, 'k?
Please PM me if you need any crits or tips or anything, I'll be happy to help in any way I can
As always,
Cheers,
~bubbles
This is not poetry dear.
Please read the rules before posting any further.
-moved-